on thursday, my kind of but not really bf j and i broke up. last saturday, i got super drunk enough at a tailgate to realize that he was never, ever lying when he told me repeatedly that he didn't want a girlfriend. i was also drunk enough to corner him next to the keg aka in front of ALL of our friends and yell at him about this fact. sunday morning, we confirmed that yes, we should have this talk again when neither of us is blacked out. monday: nothing. tuesday: can't eat. wednesday: having multiple heart attacks. thursday: saw him across the parking garage at school in the morning- we both looked away and took different staircases. i am crying. 2 hours later saw him walking on campus with one of his many wildebeest female acquaintances; this time we both waved. 15 minutes later i texted him: "after my drunken tantrum on saturday, i backed off and figured you would talk to me when you wanted to. it's been 4 days and you haven't. why?"
he called me. he doesn't think we should hook up anymore because he knows it's hurting me that he doesn't want more right now. he wants us to be friends. i am "the shit" and he wants to still be friends and hang out as friends, even though that will be weird for a while... i'm crying again writing this because he's right. i'm not strong enough to walk away from something that clearly isn't good for me, as evidenced by the last time that i broke up with him and came crawling back after one week of being miserable. it needed to happen, and it's better that it come from him since i would probably just cave again.
i liked him so much that it scared me sometimes. i cared about him. i thought about him all the time. clearly he wasn't ready for any of that. too selfish, too lazy, too absolutely committed to being single in college and bromance instead of romance. either way i'm scared that i won't ever feel like that about someone again. and that no one will put up with my crazy ass for 9 months again.... ever.
i can't figure out what i'm doing wrong. what i've always been doing wrong. maybe i give too much and don't ask for enough. maybe i'm too insecure to ever believe that someone would like THIS. maybe i just need to stop caring-- everyone says that when you stop looking for someone, you find them.
maybe i'm going to go cry and watch grey's anatomy for the rest of the day. this month sucks.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
"are you a showgirl or something?" "i'm a bunny. i'm wearing ears."
hell week is almost over. having a test 3 days after halloween (aka after 4 days of COMPLETE drunken semi-naked black/passouts and pukage) should definitely be illegal.. ATTENTION my criminology methods teacher!
i've been having debilitating foot cramps today. too much baclava while laying in bed watching grey's/criminal minds/dexter will do that to you apparently. i haven't even had a day to do single-girl shit in forever, so the gods of fitness can kiss my ass. in a similar vein, i had checkers for dinner tonight. fail fail FAILLLL.
tomorrow i'll be working, aka tell my boss how to spell things like "menu" and "verizon", going to 2 classes, gettin muh bangs trimmed, seeing Easy A with some russian bitch <3, and COAT SHOPPING! that's one of the things i love about living in florida-- you can put off buying freakishly expensive winter garments until way later than just about anyone else in the usa. that, my friend, is the win of the day.
also, a note completely worthy of passiveaggressivenotes.com fully popped up in the kitchen today. "the coffeepot has white mold in it. please clean it out." before you go "wow, that's pretty gross and actually a totally reasonable statement", consider 4 things:
1. it's my fucking coffeepot and
2. you don't even USE IT and
3. i've been listening to you have orgasms for a week and somehow still functioning without coffee for long enough that the remnants have grown mold. THAT IS PRETTY FUCKING IMPRESSIVE. so,
4. suck my dick. because i can write passive aggressive notes too. stay tuned... ;)
off to work on a project due friday that i procrastinated. (who, ME? procrastinate?! wash your mouth out with moldy coffee.)
xo with a vengeance,
-c
i've been having debilitating foot cramps today. too much baclava while laying in bed watching grey's/criminal minds/dexter will do that to you apparently. i haven't even had a day to do single-girl shit in forever, so the gods of fitness can kiss my ass. in a similar vein, i had checkers for dinner tonight. fail fail FAILLLL.
tomorrow i'll be working, aka tell my boss how to spell things like "menu" and "verizon", going to 2 classes, gettin muh bangs trimmed, seeing Easy A with some russian bitch <3, and COAT SHOPPING! that's one of the things i love about living in florida-- you can put off buying freakishly expensive winter garments until way later than just about anyone else in the usa. that, my friend, is the win of the day.
also, a note completely worthy of passiveaggressivenotes.com fully popped up in the kitchen today. "the coffeepot has white mold in it. please clean it out." before you go "wow, that's pretty gross and actually a totally reasonable statement", consider 4 things:
1. it's my fucking coffeepot and
2. you don't even USE IT and
3. i've been listening to you have orgasms for a week and somehow still functioning without coffee for long enough that the remnants have grown mold. THAT IS PRETTY FUCKING IMPRESSIVE. so,
4. suck my dick. because i can write passive aggressive notes too. stay tuned... ;)
off to work on a project due friday that i procrastinated. (who, ME? procrastinate?! wash your mouth out with moldy coffee.)
xo with a vengeance,
-c
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
dear roommates,
if you're going to fuck each other every night behind the backs of me and your other roommate (who would be totally fine with your torrid lesbian affair, by the way. we are very accepting people), you might want to keep the incredibly loud screaming orgasms to a minimum. and by minimum, i mean "i really don't want to fucking hear that ever again". this is upsetting to the max.
how am i supposed to study when there is porn happening approx 6 feet and 2 shitty doors away from me?
fml,
c
how am i supposed to study when there is porn happening approx 6 feet and 2 shitty doors away from me?
fml,
c
Sunday, October 24, 2010
i go to the barn because i like the
decent weekend.
friday night: angry drinking and pretending to be single until j called and i realized that i had literally nothing to be mad at him about. why do i do that? tried to go to a party, upon arrival realized that the "party" was like 15 trashed scene kids with small pants and ironic tattoos, minus beer. OH wait, there was also a bad. of like 7 trashed scene kids with small pants, ironic tattoos, and voices similar to marge simpson during allergy season. =fucking kill me. so we left, went back to his place (eh? ehhh? elbow nudge) and then passed out. disappointing but i'm not complaining.
NOW i am complaining: saturday was a food festival that i'd been looking forward to FOREVER and we agreed to go. j still hasn't met my mom, and she was going to be there and i thought it would be basically the easiest way for me to introduce them: midday, food everywhere, beer even more everywhere. instead, he and his stoner friends got blazed OUT OF THEIR MINDS and were an hour and half late picking me up. i had even told him that my mom would be there... hint. she's awesome and not even scary so this really pissed me off. i like my mom a lot and i like him a lot, so i want them to at least have the opportunity to like each other. but clearly when he's powersmoked for like 2 hours i'm not going to drag him up to my mom looking homeless and be like "REMEMBER THE GUY I'VE BEEN CRYING/SMILING/OBSESSING OVER SINCE MARCH? WELP, HERE HE IS! sure, he's wearing a tank top and mostly staring at the ground, but don't let that affect your opinion or anything."
ugh. frustrating to say the least. needless to say i planned an evening that didn't include him f
or saturday. i was still kind of put off by the fact that he didn't ask what i was doing/ tell me what he was doing. (of COURSE i knew via stalkbook that one of his close friends was having a bday party and that's where he would be. but he didn't know that i knew that! i hope. god i'm creepy.) so naturally i did what any relationship-retarded 20 year old would do and drunkenly smiled at everything with a pulse at the bars, gave my number to a deliciously attractive grizzly bear-esque bartender, and replied in the flirtatiously shocked negative when a particularly forward gentleman inquired "ay, you got a boyfriend that lets you go out like this?"
sent pathetic text message. "you havins a good nigh?"
called when he didn't not respond within the 10 minute acceptable text-me-back window. he is at party. does not know when he will be leaving. will call me if it's not too late.
launched into self-destructive tailspin involving liquor and beer IN THE SAME BEVERAGE: it's called loaded corona, a corona with a shot of lemon rum instead of a lime. holy shit dangerous.
woke up flat on my back, in bed, fully clothed in fancy top, skinny jeans and stilettos. 6 new text messages. 0 are from j. 2 are from grizzlytender. yum. stripped, fell in lump back into bed and sent plea for "gatorade, pepto and a cheese stick" to fb, which he proceeded to LIKE without bringing me ANY OF THE ABOVE ITEMS. you live 45 seconds away! help a fucking sister out! like that's shit that i would do without even a suggestion. it's because i'm nice, and i like doing things to make other people happy. i think at this point he's just too stoned and lazy to be the person that i liked so much last semester. definitely falls into the huge unfortunate whomp category. because i still do like him, clearly. but i don't want to date THAT guy, who is irresponsible and honestly kind of selfish.
jesus i need to go to bed. 2 tests and a lab report due tuesday, 1 test wednesday, project due in a week- and of course all i did today was fbstalk and write this crazy bitchy rambling post. yet another huge unfortunate whomp.
yours in "relationship" limbo (or maybe just hell),
-c
friday night: angry drinking and pretending to be single until j called and i realized that i had literally nothing to be mad at him about. why do i do that? tried to go to a party, upon arrival realized that the "party" was like 15 trashed scene kids with small pants and ironic tattoos, minus beer. OH wait, there was also a bad. of like 7 trashed scene kids with small pants, ironic tattoos, and voices similar to marge simpson during allergy season. =fucking kill me. so we left, went back to his place (eh? ehhh? elbow nudge) and then passed out. disappointing but i'm not complaining.
NOW i am complaining: saturday was a food festival that i'd been looking forward to FOREVER and we agreed to go. j still hasn't met my mom, and she was going to be there and i thought it would be basically the easiest way for me to introduce them: midday, food everywhere, beer even more everywhere. instead, he and his stoner friends got blazed OUT OF THEIR MINDS and were an hour and half late picking me up. i had even told him that my mom would be there... hint. she's awesome and not even scary so this really pissed me off. i like my mom a lot and i like him a lot, so i want them to at least have the opportunity to like each other. but clearly when he's powersmoked for like 2 hours i'm not going to drag him up to my mom looking homeless and be like "REMEMBER THE GUY I'VE BEEN CRYING/SMILING/OBSESSING OVER SINCE MARCH? WELP, HERE HE IS! sure, he's wearing a tank top and mostly staring at the ground, but don't let that affect your opinion or anything."
ugh. frustrating to say the least. needless to say i planned an evening that didn't include him f
or saturday. i was still kind of put off by the fact that he didn't ask what i was doing/ tell me what he was doing. (of COURSE i knew via stalkbook that one of his close friends was having a bday party and that's where he would be. but he didn't know that i knew that! i hope. god i'm creepy.) so naturally i did what any relationship-retarded 20 year old would do and drunkenly smiled at everything with a pulse at the bars, gave my number to a deliciously attractive grizzly bear-esque bartender, and replied in the flirtatiously shocked negative when a particularly forward gentleman inquired "ay, you got a boyfriend that lets you go out like this?"
sent pathetic text message. "you havins a good nigh?"
called when he didn't not respond within the 10 minute acceptable text-me-back window. he is at party. does not know when he will be leaving. will call me if it's not too late.
launched into self-destructive tailspin involving liquor and beer IN THE SAME BEVERAGE: it's called loaded corona, a corona with a shot of lemon rum instead of a lime. holy shit dangerous.
woke up flat on my back, in bed, fully clothed in fancy top, skinny jeans and stilettos. 6 new text messages. 0 are from j. 2 are from grizzlytender. yum. stripped, fell in lump back into bed and sent plea for "gatorade, pepto and a cheese stick" to fb, which he proceeded to LIKE without bringing me ANY OF THE ABOVE ITEMS. you live 45 seconds away! help a fucking sister out! like that's shit that i would do without even a suggestion. it's because i'm nice, and i like doing things to make other people happy. i think at this point he's just too stoned and lazy to be the person that i liked so much last semester. definitely falls into the huge unfortunate whomp category. because i still do like him, clearly. but i don't want to date THAT guy, who is irresponsible and honestly kind of selfish.
jesus i need to go to bed. 2 tests and a lab report due tuesday, 1 test wednesday, project due in a week- and of course all i did today was fbstalk and write this crazy bitchy rambling post. yet another huge unfortunate whomp.
yours in "relationship" limbo (or maybe just hell),
-c
Sunday, October 17, 2010
in our parents' bedrooms, and the bedrooms of our friends.
welp, here's the post i originally started writing like an hour ago. i no longer know whether this weekend was awesome. also i may be having a mental breakdown and really need a glass of wine:
my study abroad program for psych in london is officially pointless because i only have one more psych class to take and it's not offered over there. i have electives out the ass so that option is out. basically my plan now is to finish college, live and die in the same hick ass ridiculous town i was born in 20 years ago, having never been out of the united states except for the 6 minutes i was in canada on a cruise this summer.
this weekend was amazing, though. went out with SH on friday. got tipsy enough to decide for good that bars can be almost exactly paralleled to grasslands populated by starving lions searching for the prettiest/most anorexic buffalo to kill and devour in a single fell swoop. also observed that most guys would rather amputate their fingers one by one with a dull knife than even INTRODUCE THEMSELVES TO ME as they try to maneuver their weiners into SH's practically-married mouth while she continues to talk to them like they actually want to have a conversation.
needless to say i had a few more drinks after those happy realizations. i know it's stupid. i'm committing all of the logical fallacies in my life that i learn not to commit in my research classes. but when every fucking time i go out, i end up chugging my drink and staring at my lap pretending to text while some retarded douchebag tries to get inside of my best friend that ALREADY HAS A BOYFRIEND instead of even looking at me? it's kind of hard to ignore that.
wow, this doesn't really sound like an amazing weekend at all.
but saturday morning i tailgated with j, his roommates and their miami friends that were in town for the weekend. (have i mentioned that he and i are back together? we are. he makes me happy and i am doner than done with crying myself to sleep like a whiny child every night. probs still going to die alone but at least i don’t have to sleep that way for now.) the tailgate was really fun and we went to half of the game too, which we won. yay college football! then we took a nap (together- cheesy coupley shit is my fav), i went home to shower, went back over and started drinking again, yada yada. soon after, some drunk ass guy who referred to himself only as “Uncle Dave” wandered into their house and insisted that we were way more fun than his niece and her friends, who had already passed out, so he was going to hang out with us.
BIGGEST. DOUCHE. EVER.
j and i were kicking his team's ass at bpong so he started making really lewd gestures (think the most retarded immature frat boy ever) and talking really rude shit TO ME, the only female in the house— i almost punched him. you’re like 45 and completely bald and making vag-licking gestures at a 20 year old girl? re-evaluate that life, bucko. so we left “Uncle Dave” and went to 2 parties on my street, did the party thing and drank a shit ton, walked there and back with our arms around each other. like i said… he makes me happy. i’m happier spending time with him than i am almost ever. it scares me because i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing or what the fuck he’s doing but i just need it right now. if i have to go through again what i went through the first time i broke up with him, i am probably never going to date anyone else ever, but we'll have to see i guess. also it doesn’t help that out of all of the weiners i have experienced, this one is THE BEST ONE EVER. i’m like pussywhipped… but the girl version. dickwhipped? sounds like a felony charge.
either way, karma is a stupid cunt. i know i’m going to learn something from this. i just don’t know yet if it’s going to be “how to respect yourself, ask for what you want in relationships, and NOT settle for ANYTHING LESS THAN WHAT YOU DESERVE! YoU'rE bEaUtIfUl!!1!” or “how to stretch one can of cat food over an entire week because you’re too depressed to put on pants and go to publix to buy more for Hypothetical Cat Vlad so your only ally in life doesn’t die of starvation in your smelly, unshowered arms”.
whatever. i loved yesterday and it loved me too, god damn it. i’m going to go listen to broken social scene, nitpick small details of text messages between me and j, give myself an ulcer/heart attack, and not eat for 2 weeks because i bought my halloween costume today and it’s this (the black one- natch): http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41SpcPxIm1L.jpg
yikes. writing this has made me REALLY sad about my standards for an “amazing” weekend.
maybe on the next awesome weekend i'll get hit by a train,
c <3
my study abroad program for psych in london is officially pointless because i only have one more psych class to take and it's not offered over there. i have electives out the ass so that option is out. basically my plan now is to finish college, live and die in the same hick ass ridiculous town i was born in 20 years ago, having never been out of the united states except for the 6 minutes i was in canada on a cruise this summer.
this weekend was amazing, though. went out with SH on friday. got tipsy enough to decide for good that bars can be almost exactly paralleled to grasslands populated by starving lions searching for the prettiest/most anorexic buffalo to kill and devour in a single fell swoop. also observed that most guys would rather amputate their fingers one by one with a dull knife than even INTRODUCE THEMSELVES TO ME as they try to maneuver their weiners into SH's practically-married mouth while she continues to talk to them like they actually want to have a conversation.
needless to say i had a few more drinks after those happy realizations. i know it's stupid. i'm committing all of the logical fallacies in my life that i learn not to commit in my research classes. but when every fucking time i go out, i end up chugging my drink and staring at my lap pretending to text while some retarded douchebag tries to get inside of my best friend that ALREADY HAS A BOYFRIEND instead of even looking at me? it's kind of hard to ignore that.
wow, this doesn't really sound like an amazing weekend at all.
but saturday morning i tailgated with j, his roommates and their miami friends that were in town for the weekend. (have i mentioned that he and i are back together? we are. he makes me happy and i am doner than done with crying myself to sleep like a whiny child every night. probs still going to die alone but at least i don’t have to sleep that way for now.) the tailgate was really fun and we went to half of the game too, which we won. yay college football! then we took a nap (together- cheesy coupley shit is my fav), i went home to shower, went back over and started drinking again, yada yada. soon after, some drunk ass guy who referred to himself only as “Uncle Dave” wandered into their house and insisted that we were way more fun than his niece and her friends, who had already passed out, so he was going to hang out with us.
BIGGEST. DOUCHE. EVER.
j and i were kicking his team's ass at bpong so he started making really lewd gestures (think the most retarded immature frat boy ever) and talking really rude shit TO ME, the only female in the house— i almost punched him. you’re like 45 and completely bald and making vag-licking gestures at a 20 year old girl? re-evaluate that life, bucko. so we left “Uncle Dave” and went to 2 parties on my street, did the party thing and drank a shit ton, walked there and back with our arms around each other. like i said… he makes me happy. i’m happier spending time with him than i am almost ever. it scares me because i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing or what the fuck he’s doing but i just need it right now. if i have to go through again what i went through the first time i broke up with him, i am probably never going to date anyone else ever, but we'll have to see i guess. also it doesn’t help that out of all of the weiners i have experienced, this one is THE BEST ONE EVER. i’m like pussywhipped… but the girl version. dickwhipped? sounds like a felony charge.
either way, karma is a stupid cunt. i know i’m going to learn something from this. i just don’t know yet if it’s going to be “how to respect yourself, ask for what you want in relationships, and NOT settle for ANYTHING LESS THAN WHAT YOU DESERVE! YoU'rE bEaUtIfUl!!1!” or “how to stretch one can of cat food over an entire week because you’re too depressed to put on pants and go to publix to buy more for Hypothetical Cat Vlad so your only ally in life doesn’t die of starvation in your smelly, unshowered arms”.
whatever. i loved yesterday and it loved me too, god damn it. i’m going to go listen to broken social scene, nitpick small details of text messages between me and j, give myself an ulcer/heart attack, and not eat for 2 weeks because i bought my halloween costume today and it’s this (the black one- natch): http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41SpcPxIm1L.jpg
yikes. writing this has made me REALLY sad about my standards for an “amazing” weekend.
maybe on the next awesome weekend i'll get hit by a train,
c <3
Friday, November 27, 2009
time to give spanks!
errr, thanks.
so i've been laying in bed naked for 3 hours after my shower watching house reruns and booking hotel rooms for my family in january. officially decided that i have the best life ever... here's why:
-our new house, the brainchild of two concurrent midlife crises
-noodle, who still hasn't learned to walk on the wood floor without completely eating it.
-the shuffle feature on ipods.. because who ever really knows what they want to listen to?
-dashboard confessional, which i always want to listen to thus disproving my previous statement
-the fairmount aka my new bed- 18 years in a twin makes the 19th in a full feel like a california king.
-having real friends. the kind that i don't have to buy or be fake with or impress all the time. a lot of people think they have this, but most of them don't. (is that bitchy? it's true so no.)
-my fake id. being 19 sucks a small one.
-time to read books and maeke mie brane smartter :)
-fleece sweatpants, minus underpants. goddddddawesome
-my job... actually really blows but it's (usually) better than prostituting or selling my kidneys on the black market.
-being moderately attractive enough not to want to cry every morning upon waking.
-margaritas with biiiig salt grains
i'll go ahead and lie to all of us, myself included, and promise to keep up writing. (not like anyone reads these shits to begin with). happy spanksgiving/trample each other to death over a wii-friday, ladies and gents!
-c
so i've been laying in bed naked for 3 hours after my shower watching house reruns and booking hotel rooms for my family in january. officially decided that i have the best life ever... here's why:
-our new house, the brainchild of two concurrent midlife crises
-noodle, who still hasn't learned to walk on the wood floor without completely eating it.
-the shuffle feature on ipods.. because who ever really knows what they want to listen to?
-dashboard confessional, which i always want to listen to thus disproving my previous statement
-the fairmount aka my new bed- 18 years in a twin makes the 19th in a full feel like a california king.
-having real friends. the kind that i don't have to buy or be fake with or impress all the time. a lot of people think they have this, but most of them don't. (is that bitchy? it's true so no.)
-my fake id. being 19 sucks a small one.
-time to read books and maeke mie brane smartter :)
-fleece sweatpants, minus underpants. goddddddawesome
-my job... actually really blows but it's (usually) better than prostituting or selling my kidneys on the black market.
-being moderately attractive enough not to want to cry every morning upon waking.
-margaritas with biiiig salt grains
i'll go ahead and lie to all of us, myself included, and promise to keep up writing. (not like anyone reads these shits to begin with). happy spanksgiving/trample each other to death over a wii-friday, ladies and gents!
-c
Monday, March 23, 2009
you can be lighthearted, but you can't be funny.
the people who hurt you the most are the ones that you'd least expect it from.
the ones that you let in. the ones you trust. the ones you think will always want you no matter what stupid, irresponsible mistakes you make.
you were that to me.
so i let you as far in as i know how, and now everything is ruined.
i think about you every night, right before i fall asleep. i have weird dreams that ALWAYS end with you. everything reminds me of you- that asher roth song about college, the taste of captain morgan, the shirt i was wearing that day... and you still haven't called.
i know it's my fault. i was a dumb girl who thought that when you came back after 2 years, you would still have the crush on me that you did during high school. you live 3000 miles away, and i'm pretty sure there are at least a few girls on the west coast. honestly i didn't think about you much, either, before you came back, but now i can't stop even though it's pretty obvious that you don't feel the same.
i just wish that things had been different back then, so they could be different now.
but i guess they can't.
you get closure from the whole high-school crush thing, and i get a whole mess of fucked up feelings to deal with.
i'm going to put on my big girl pants and stop acting like a little bitch.
but i'm also going to stop having stupid feelings in the first place.
because this is where i end up
and i don't want to hurt anymore.
the ones that you let in. the ones you trust. the ones you think will always want you no matter what stupid, irresponsible mistakes you make.
you were that to me.
so i let you as far in as i know how, and now everything is ruined.
i think about you every night, right before i fall asleep. i have weird dreams that ALWAYS end with you. everything reminds me of you- that asher roth song about college, the taste of captain morgan, the shirt i was wearing that day... and you still haven't called.
i know it's my fault. i was a dumb girl who thought that when you came back after 2 years, you would still have the crush on me that you did during high school. you live 3000 miles away, and i'm pretty sure there are at least a few girls on the west coast. honestly i didn't think about you much, either, before you came back, but now i can't stop even though it's pretty obvious that you don't feel the same.
i just wish that things had been different back then, so they could be different now.
but i guess they can't.
you get closure from the whole high-school crush thing, and i get a whole mess of fucked up feelings to deal with.
i'm going to put on my big girl pants and stop acting like a little bitch.
but i'm also going to stop having stupid feelings in the first place.
because this is where i end up
and i don't want to hurt anymore.
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