love and some verses you hear, say what you can't say.

on thursday, my kind of but not really bf j and i broke up. last saturday, i got super drunk enough at a tailgate to realize that he was never, ever lying when he told me repeatedly that he didn't want a girlfriend. i was also drunk enough to corner him next to the keg aka in front of ALL of our friends and yell at him about this fact. sunday morning, we confirmed that yes, we should have this talk again when neither of us is blacked out. monday: nothing. tuesday: can't eat. wednesday: having multiple heart attacks. thursday: saw him across the parking garage at school in the morning- we both looked away and took different staircases. i am crying. 2 hours later saw him walking on campus with one of his many wildebeest female acquaintances; this time we both waved. 15 minutes later i texted him: "after my drunken tantrum on saturday, i backed off and figured you would talk to me when you wanted to. it's been 4 days and you haven't. why?"

he called me. he doesn't think we should hook up anymore because he knows it's hurting me that he doesn't want more right now. he wants us to be friends. i am "the shit" and he wants to still be friends and hang out as friends, even though that will be weird for a while... i'm crying again writing this because he's right. i'm not strong enough to walk away from something that clearly isn't good for me, as evidenced by the last time that i broke up with him and came crawling back after one week of being miserable. it needed to happen, and it's better that it come from him since i would probably just cave again.

i liked him so much that it scared me sometimes. i cared about him. i thought about him all the time. clearly he wasn't ready for any of that. too selfish, too lazy, too absolutely committed to being single in college and bromance instead of romance. either way i'm scared that i won't ever feel like that about someone again. and that no one will put up with my crazy ass for 9 months again.... ever.

i can't figure out what i'm doing wrong. what i've always been doing wrong. maybe i give too much and don't ask for enough. maybe i'm too insecure to ever believe that someone would like THIS. maybe i just need to stop caring-- everyone says that when you stop looking for someone, you find them.

maybe i'm going to go cry and watch grey's anatomy for the rest of the day. this month sucks.