time to give spanks!

errr, thanks.

so i've been laying in bed naked for 3 hours after my shower watching house reruns and booking hotel rooms for my family in january. officially decided that i have the best life ever... here's why:

-our new house, the brainchild of two concurrent midlife crises
-noodle, who still hasn't learned to walk on the wood floor without completely eating it.
-the shuffle feature on ipods.. because who ever really knows what they want to listen to?
-dashboard confessional, which i always want to listen to thus disproving my previous statement
-the fairmount aka my new bed- 18 years in a twin makes the 19th in a full feel like a california king.
-having real friends. the kind that i don't have to buy or be fake with or impress all the time. a lot of people think they have this, but most of them don't. (is that bitchy? it's true so no.)
-my fake id. being 19 sucks a small one.
-time to read books and maeke mie brane smartter :)
-fleece sweatpants, minus underpants. goddddddawesome
-my job... actually really blows but it's (usually) better than prostituting or selling my kidneys on the black market.
-being moderately attractive enough not to want to cry every morning upon waking.
-margaritas with biiiig salt grains

i'll go ahead and lie to all of us, myself included, and promise to keep up writing. (not like anyone reads these shits to begin with). happy spanksgiving/trample each other to death over a wii-friday, ladies and gents!

-c

you can be lighthearted, but you can't be funny.

the people who hurt you the most are the ones that you'd least expect it from.

the ones that you let in. the ones you trust. the ones you think will always want you no matter what stupid, irresponsible mistakes you make.

you were that to me.
so i let you as far in as i know how, and now everything is ruined.

i think about you every night, right before i fall asleep. i have weird dreams that ALWAYS end with you. everything reminds me of you- that asher roth song about college, the taste of captain morgan, the shirt i was wearing that day... and you still haven't called.

i know it's my fault. i was a dumb girl who thought that when you came back after 2 years, you would still have the crush on me that you did during high school. you live 3000 miles away, and i'm pretty sure there are at least a few girls on the west coast. honestly i didn't think about you much, either, before you came back, but now i can't stop even though it's pretty obvious that you don't feel the same.

i just wish that things had been different back then, so they could be different now.

but i guess they can't.
you get closure from the whole high-school crush thing, and i get a whole mess of fucked up feelings to deal with.

i'm going to put on my big girl pants and stop acting like a little bitch.
but i'm also going to stop having stupid feelings in the first place.
because this is where i end up
and i don't want to hurt anymore.