by some horrifying internet accident, i ended up on the daily mailing list for Victoria's Secret. don't get me wrong, i like a quality bra, a cheap "flirty" body spray, and a 5/$25 undies sale as much as the next girl. but i am going to do my best to get that elsewhere from here on out because it's becoming more and more obvious that the sole purpose of VS is to make women feel horrible about their bodies. the first time i was massively offended by VS was my freshman year, when i purchased a bathing suit online from their website. the instructions were to purchase your bottoms by your underwear size (medium) and your top by your bra size (at the time, 36B-- in which size i owned several VS bras that fit great). i was beyond excited for the package of pushup-y wonder to arrive at my dorm room; i checked the mail every day and pondered with my roommate who had purchased the same bathing suit (in a smaller size, both top and bottom) when they would arrive and we could be Beach Bombshell PrincessAngelSexiesssss together.

imagine my chagrin when, upon receiving the package and tearing into its contents like a hungry wolf, i discovered that i literally could not make the two ends of the top meet in the back. upon sucking in, finagling, etc, i finally squeezed the freshman 400 into the demeaning swimwear. it created a 1 or 2-inch roll of fat both on top of and underneath the straining elastic. my roommate's fit perfectly. i did what any self-esteem-void 18-year-old girl would do and immediately started sobbing into my newfound fat rolls. "why doesn't it fit?? i bought it EXACTLY how i was supposed to buy it! why does YOURS fit and mine doesn't?! the fucking bras fit me! what the fucking fuck i'm dying alone hand me some fucking ice cream", etc. in a world where 1/3 of adults are obese, a little size forgiveness (more than one option for back strap length, a tie rather than a clasp, etc) is an absolute must or you're just straight up fucking those of us who carry 10 lbs in our stomachs instead of our tits like your models.

my second (and overall more valid/less whiny) complaint involves their email marketing tactics and rampant photoshopping of women who are already fucking insanely hot. i got an email from them this morning- subject: "Gorgeous goes to the beach!". upon opening, i was assaulted with a picture of Candace Swanepoel- bronzed, beautiful perfection in a bikini with a spray tan and an expression that's somewhere between "jealous, you sad fat person?" and "GOD i wish i was having sex right now! someone bang meeee ;)"

(...ok, maybe that part is just my perception (like the entire rest of this blog). whatever-- $10 you could picture the face from my description.)

but the clincher is the tagline on the photo. "Hi, Gorgeous! New push-up bikini that's made to be noticed."

um, no. don't fucking call me gorgeous if you feel that it's necessary to photoship candace swanepoel's perfect 100-lb body and make it both smaller AND curvier in order for it to be good enough for your ads. seriously, google victoria's secret photoshopping and be horrified- http://jezebel.com/5863568/victorias-secret-angel-lightly-rests-on-severed-limb this article shows the ridiculous standards that permeate advertising and make everyone feel just a little worse about themselves because we don't look like that.

it's ok, though. because NO ONE looks like that. not even candace.

so fuck victoria's secret. i'm officially unsubscribing. you can harass someone else with your bullshit. i've been trying to like my body for too long to lose even an inch of that progress to someone that wants to remove the tiniest backroll from a supermodel.

why i hate "singles' awareness day".

and i don't mean that in the way that it sounds at first-- i LOVE valentine's day. what i hate is the sad, bitter single people that can't calm down and let everyone else enjoy the day.

i am always single. the last time i was even close to being in a relationship was over a year ago, and that was more a pathetic, last-ditch attempt to make someone date me who never wanted to date me in the first place. i had one valentine's day with a boyfriend, my jr. year of highschool, and it was horrible because we were about to break up and it became even more apparent when we were forced to stare at each other over expensive steak for 2 hours with nothing to talk about.

anyway, i digress. the point here is: SOMEONE LOVES YOU! on good days, i am a brash bitch who errs on the side of hurting peoples feelings and hoping that i do it in a loving enough way that people will get over it within a week. on bad days, i don't get out of bed and whine about the most ridiculous white girl problems and am completely insufferable and impossible to be around-- and my mommy, daddy, and a flattering amount of people who are in no way obligated to love me, still love the shit out of me.

this year more than any other year, i've learned that if you can't be yourself around your friends, you need new friends. after 4 years at a huge university that can be mean and shallow as fuck, i've also discovered that no matter how creepy/weird/shy/obnoxious/boring you are- there IS a place for you with other creepy/weird/shy/obnoxious/boring people that will just love the shit out of YOU for being creepy/weird/shy/obnoxious/boring. hell, maybe you'll even meet that one guy out there who also loves whiskey, anime porn and Adventuretime marathons and you guys can spend like 3 months doing that and whatever else you kids like to do.

anyway, i digress again.

so, don't wish anyone a happy single's awareness day. don't put up a facebook status that looks anything like this: "FUCK VDAY I WOULD MUCH rATHEr CHEW OFF MY OWN ArM AND WHY THE *FUCK* DID HE NEVEr SPrING TO TAKE *ME* TO THE MELTING POT BUT NOW HE CAN TAKE THISBITCH!?! FML GONNA GO BLACK OUT". don't hate valentine's day because you don't have someone to suck face with every day and some nights, you have to leave the bar and sleep by yourself instead of next to someone that occasionally calls you stupid names like "SCHMOOPYYYYY!"

desperation and bitterness aren't cute. as someone who is both desperate and also incredibly bitter, i have overcome my automatic hate response toward a day that favors the Schmoopies of the world-- which means you can, too. be grateful. love love.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY