hopefully the most emo i will be for a long time.

i haven't had an actual boyfriend since last february.

LAST february.
2007.
17 months.


almost all of my friends have no idea that i would even be interested in a relationship. but honestly, i settle for one night stands and friends with benefits because i don't think anyone is ever going to be interested in me for more than one hour, one date, one week. it's the most vicious circle i can think of, because when you feel like there's nothing out there, you act like you don't care that all your friends have boyfriends and you don't. but when you act like you don't care and slut it up, guys get caught up in wanting to bang you and can't see you as the type of girl that they want to be with... not that they ever saw me that as that type of girl in the first place.

this has led me to a scary and frustrating conclusion:
i am the "just friends" girl.
whether i'm the kind of friend you call when your girlfriend dumps you and you want to whine like a little bitch, or the kind of friend you call when you want to get some ass... i'm still just a friend.

for a while there, i even made MYSELF believe that i chose the physical over the emotional because i didn't want to deal with the complications of a relationship. but fortunately and unfortunately, i've realized that hooking up with guys instead of putting myself out there for something meaningful is a defense mechanism so that i don't look desperate or lonely.


we would be really good for each other.
i don't think you realize that,
but i hope you will soon.

ughhh.

i am completely incapable of doing anything productive for two reasons:
1) it's july and
2) www.sorryimissedyourparty.com.

holy mother of pearl. i've spent like 4 cumulative hours perusing and it never, ever gets old.

have you ever had to choose which one of two guys (who happen to be best friends) you want to drunkenly sleep with, ended up with Second Choice because you thought your First Choice was not interested, and then found out directly afterwards from Second Choice that First Choice is, in fact, "really into" you?

yeah, me neither.

last night was really fun, though, all sex aside. the 2 above mentioned boys and i got a liter of vanilla rum for less than $10, went to my favorite dumpy pool hall, and played some of the worst games of pool that i have ever, ever been a part of. jesu christo.

i like my life.

first!

hello, anyone who finds this blog.

chances are, i don't know you... because i'm not telling anyone i do know about this blog. it'll be easier for me to write freely that way.

i don't really have anything to say at the moment, but i'm looking forward to bitching, rejoicing, and pondering here in the very near future. see you soon!

-c