you can be lighthearted, but you can't be funny.

the people who hurt you the most are the ones that you'd least expect it from.

the ones that you let in. the ones you trust. the ones you think will always want you no matter what stupid, irresponsible mistakes you make.

you were that to me.
so i let you as far in as i know how, and now everything is ruined.

i think about you every night, right before i fall asleep. i have weird dreams that ALWAYS end with you. everything reminds me of you- that asher roth song about college, the taste of captain morgan, the shirt i was wearing that day... and you still haven't called.

i know it's my fault. i was a dumb girl who thought that when you came back after 2 years, you would still have the crush on me that you did during high school. you live 3000 miles away, and i'm pretty sure there are at least a few girls on the west coast. honestly i didn't think about you much, either, before you came back, but now i can't stop even though it's pretty obvious that you don't feel the same.

i just wish that things had been different back then, so they could be different now.

but i guess they can't.
you get closure from the whole high-school crush thing, and i get a whole mess of fucked up feelings to deal with.

i'm going to put on my big girl pants and stop acting like a little bitch.
but i'm also going to stop having stupid feelings in the first place.
because this is where i end up
and i don't want to hurt anymore.

hopefully the most emo i will be for a long time.

i haven't had an actual boyfriend since last february.

LAST february.
2007.
17 months.


almost all of my friends have no idea that i would even be interested in a relationship. but honestly, i settle for one night stands and friends with benefits because i don't think anyone is ever going to be interested in me for more than one hour, one date, one week. it's the most vicious circle i can think of, because when you feel like there's nothing out there, you act like you don't care that all your friends have boyfriends and you don't. but when you act like you don't care and slut it up, guys get caught up in wanting to bang you and can't see you as the type of girl that they want to be with... not that they ever saw me that as that type of girl in the first place.

this has led me to a scary and frustrating conclusion:
i am the "just friends" girl.
whether i'm the kind of friend you call when your girlfriend dumps you and you want to whine like a little bitch, or the kind of friend you call when you want to get some ass... i'm still just a friend.

for a while there, i even made MYSELF believe that i chose the physical over the emotional because i didn't want to deal with the complications of a relationship. but fortunately and unfortunately, i've realized that hooking up with guys instead of putting myself out there for something meaningful is a defense mechanism so that i don't look desperate or lonely.


we would be really good for each other.
i don't think you realize that,
but i hope you will soon.