time to give spanks!

errr, thanks.

so i've been laying in bed naked for 3 hours after my shower watching house reruns and booking hotel rooms for my family in january. officially decided that i have the best life ever... here's why:

-our new house, the brainchild of two concurrent midlife crises
-noodle, who still hasn't learned to walk on the wood floor without completely eating it.
-the shuffle feature on ipods.. because who ever really knows what they want to listen to?
-dashboard confessional, which i always want to listen to thus disproving my previous statement
-the fairmount aka my new bed- 18 years in a twin makes the 19th in a full feel like a california king.
-having real friends. the kind that i don't have to buy or be fake with or impress all the time. a lot of people think they have this, but most of them don't. (is that bitchy? it's true so no.)
-my fake id. being 19 sucks a small one.
-time to read books and maeke mie brane smartter :)
-fleece sweatpants, minus underpants. goddddddawesome
-my job... actually really blows but it's (usually) better than prostituting or selling my kidneys on the black market.
-being moderately attractive enough not to want to cry every morning upon waking.
-margaritas with biiiig salt grains

i'll go ahead and lie to all of us, myself included, and promise to keep up writing. (not like anyone reads these shits to begin with). happy spanksgiving/trample each other to death over a wii-friday, ladies and gents!

-c

you can be lighthearted, but you can't be funny.

the people who hurt you the most are the ones that you'd least expect it from.

the ones that you let in. the ones you trust. the ones you think will always want you no matter what stupid, irresponsible mistakes you make.

you were that to me.
so i let you as far in as i know how, and now everything is ruined.

i think about you every night, right before i fall asleep. i have weird dreams that ALWAYS end with you. everything reminds me of you- that asher roth song about college, the taste of captain morgan, the shirt i was wearing that day... and you still haven't called.

i know it's my fault. i was a dumb girl who thought that when you came back after 2 years, you would still have the crush on me that you did during high school. you live 3000 miles away, and i'm pretty sure there are at least a few girls on the west coast. honestly i didn't think about you much, either, before you came back, but now i can't stop even though it's pretty obvious that you don't feel the same.

i just wish that things had been different back then, so they could be different now.

but i guess they can't.
you get closure from the whole high-school crush thing, and i get a whole mess of fucked up feelings to deal with.

i'm going to put on my big girl pants and stop acting like a little bitch.
but i'm also going to stop having stupid feelings in the first place.
because this is where i end up
and i don't want to hurt anymore.

scrabblicious

i played 2 intense games of scrabble with my mom yesterday, and let me say that i am the most badass scrabble player in the entire universe because....

I MADE LOUISIANA.

i don't even care that, as one of my asshole friends had to point out to me, louisiana is a proper noun and therefore doesn't really count. it's a fucking 9-letter word and only 3 of them are consonants. stop hating.

other highlights include cocaine, cavern, lipid, quasar, milf, and shit.
the creator of scrabble is most likely rolling in his grave.


in other news:
-i spent $321.02 on textbooks this morning and
-i move into my dorm in 12 days.

SO excited.
...at least about the second one. hopefully i'll be able to eat for the next two weeks.

i spent this weekend in a town built exclusively for and entirely devoted to those over 55 years of age.

there are pools on every street. there are at least two golf carts per family, which means you never have to walk ANYwhere; they ride the golf cart from the 60' plasma tv to the bathroom with the marble jacuzzi bathtub. there are fields of green grass and smiling gray-haired residents around every corner.

in short, being old looked pretty fucking nice.

but it made me realize that, as some of you pointed out, i am not old yet. in fact, i've only been a legal adult for 3 months. so i'm going to enjoy that and not worry about boys anymore. they'll be here. they'll be everywhere, until i am dead. and probably there too, wherever the fuck i'm going.

it took me long enough to realize, but you know what they say.

hopefully the most emo i will be for a long time.

i haven't had an actual boyfriend since last february.

LAST february.
2007.
17 months.


almost all of my friends have no idea that i would even be interested in a relationship. but honestly, i settle for one night stands and friends with benefits because i don't think anyone is ever going to be interested in me for more than one hour, one date, one week. it's the most vicious circle i can think of, because when you feel like there's nothing out there, you act like you don't care that all your friends have boyfriends and you don't. but when you act like you don't care and slut it up, guys get caught up in wanting to bang you and can't see you as the type of girl that they want to be with... not that they ever saw me that as that type of girl in the first place.

this has led me to a scary and frustrating conclusion:
i am the "just friends" girl.
whether i'm the kind of friend you call when your girlfriend dumps you and you want to whine like a little bitch, or the kind of friend you call when you want to get some ass... i'm still just a friend.

for a while there, i even made MYSELF believe that i chose the physical over the emotional because i didn't want to deal with the complications of a relationship. but fortunately and unfortunately, i've realized that hooking up with guys instead of putting myself out there for something meaningful is a defense mechanism so that i don't look desperate or lonely.


we would be really good for each other.
i don't think you realize that,
but i hope you will soon.

ughhh.

i am completely incapable of doing anything productive for two reasons:
1) it's july and
2) www.sorryimissedyourparty.com.

holy mother of pearl. i've spent like 4 cumulative hours perusing and it never, ever gets old.

have you ever had to choose which one of two guys (who happen to be best friends) you want to drunkenly sleep with, ended up with Second Choice because you thought your First Choice was not interested, and then found out directly afterwards from Second Choice that First Choice is, in fact, "really into" you?

yeah, me neither.

last night was really fun, though, all sex aside. the 2 above mentioned boys and i got a liter of vanilla rum for less than $10, went to my favorite dumpy pool hall, and played some of the worst games of pool that i have ever, ever been a part of. jesu christo.

i like my life.

first!

hello, anyone who finds this blog.

chances are, i don't know you... because i'm not telling anyone i do know about this blog. it'll be easier for me to write freely that way.

i don't really have anything to say at the moment, but i'm looking forward to bitching, rejoicing, and pondering here in the very near future. see you soon!

-c