this entire semester i have been creepily, borderline stalkery in love with my methods teacher. he's like 26, a phd student, grizzly and delicious JUST how i like my mens. i had the highest grade in his class and he always teased me, publicly, for being the only person in the whole room with a brain. i took his final exam on friday morning, figured that would pretty much be the last time i saw him and cried inside.
I WAS WRONG!
through a string of clusterfuck party failures, my friend melanie and i ended up at the tennessee strip last night. under normal circumstances i would not be caught dead at this establishment, but "finals week ended yesterday and i haven't gotten wasted in 7 whole days and my drinking plans just got canceled" does NOT constitute normal circumstances. we're surrounded by bros and hoes and i am pounding rum/diet liquor pitchers like i'm getting paid $11 for drinking them instead of the other way around. then from across the bar (it's U-shaped and we're on one end of the U) someone BELLOWS my name. i look up and there, practically shining in all of his delicious fucking hotness, is my TA. we smile and wave; both kind of awkward because, well, he's in love with me but we can't get married right now because he hasn't posted my grade yet. so i kind of look away, screaming under my breath to melanie that "ohmygod that's the TA i was telling you about look at him he loves me and now he's talking to his friends and they're all looking at me i totally have a girl boner".
she looks up. "hey, i think he's trying to get your attention."
he is. in fact he is yelling my name more and straight up waving his arms. "HEY! c! hey. DON'T MOVE."
i stop breathing in case that counts as moving.
he points us out to the bartender and 5 minutes later she turns around with 2 large shots. "mind erasers! kahlua on the bottom, vanilla vodka and 7up on top. drink it really fast and you'll only taste the kahlua. they're delicious!" she's hot and looks like an alcoholic so i take her word for it. he smiles and cheerses me across the bar. my ice cold hearts starts to melt and i take the shot despite my raging brain erection.
i never saw him again-- i think he and his friends left-- but i was not done yet. after sending several textual gems to bffs, i was getting antsy. around 2:15 is the point in my pimp strategy that i usually send the "something cute and obscure that happened when we saw each other tonight, haha :)" text message, but of course i don't have his number. so i did the most logical thing i could think of in my liq pitcher haze and sent him an email via blackboard. my shamelessness truly knows no bounds.
"best shot ever."
he writes me back, ONE MINUTE LATER:
"Glad you enjoyed it."
WE. ARE. GETTING. FUCKING. MARRIED. oh mygod he is so delicious and he loves me and i might be exaggerating this by like 7-10% but, as mel put it, "he bought you a shot called the mind eraser. he at LEAST wants to get in your pants. what other message could that possibly be sending?!"
i'm going to go watch dexter and touch myself with happiness- just kidding about the first part. ;)
oh and ps-- the texts i was sending were truly magical. here's the best one: "my delicious grizzly (now former) prof that i have been eyefucking for 5 months just BOUGHT ME A SHOT CALLED A MIND ERASER. trying to fuck me y/n/m?? i'm really going tol rape him either way so consider that in ur answer". i am everyone's favorite friend. <3
